I woke up with a headache again today.they say time heals people, I’ve learned it only changes them
This time because I knew
you didn’t want to stay.
It’s strange how words repeat themselves.
And no matter how much I thought
it couldn’t all be for nothing,
I guess it was.
But that’s okay.
I’m used to this place.
At least I know I won’t
ever let anyone else in again.
It’s just easier than losing
something you never had.
How foolish of me to think
I could ever be what you wanted.
You’ll always deserve oceans;
I’m sorry that I am only rain.
And no matter how much I give,
I will never be enough.
You say you don’t feel the same
as you used to, and that’s okay.
At least you love me enough
to tell me you don’t.
This is how it started.
You saw them from across the room. Some house party. You were tipsy. You were confident. You were always confident. You were young, pretty, energized, your breasts firm and your skin tight. Your heart scarred, and your mind wandered. Beer in your left hand, cigarette in your right. Red lips, dark wet eyes, captivating.
Your neck long and you rested your head on your palm. The party was coming to an end. You whispered to him, “let’s get out of here”. And he put his left hand on your waist. And you stumbled down the street, five inch heels, you leaned against him. Some flirting, some conversation, then you kissed him, he kissed you right back.
You lie in his bed, naked, for the fifth time, smoking cigarettes, he zipped his pants. You stood up, “I have to get back to work”, no string attached, you moved on with your days, and so did he.
One day you cried to him. About something intimate, something that was close to your heart, something that was hurting you. He hugged you. He consoled you.
He talked to you. He shared with you. You looked into his eyes, his heart, his soul. He hugged you again. You leaned on him. You missed him. He missed you. He wanted to touch you and he wanted to kiss you.
You gave him your soul. He gave you his. You build a cocoon with him. You played house with him. He was your muscles, you were his brain. He was your man, you were his woman. He was your drive, you, his inspiration.
You went crazy, he went crazy, you were addicted to him, he was addicted to you. You drowned into his arms, and he drowned in your embrace.
He pushed for air, you pushed for air. He tried to talk, to reconcile. You talked, and then reconciled. You were happy, he was happy.
We were happy. We were struggling but we were happy. And everyday I struggle with myself, and he struggles with himself. I find myself drowning in my own cocoon.
I am afraid that one day I would just cut him out too. But I cannot. I will fight it, my ever-expanding comfort zone, I need to fight this.
Sometimes I am terrified with him, with myself, and the love we have for each other.
That’s why I need to write, to remind myself that I won’t give up on us. I won’t give up on myself, I need to keep fighting all this negative tendencies that are taking over me.
Before They Pass Away | Jimmy Nelson
The purity of humanity exists. It is there in the mountains, the ice fields, the jungle, along the rivers and in the valleys. Jimmy Nelson found the last tribesmen and observed them. He smiled and drank their mysterious brews before taking out his camera. He shared what real people share: vibrations, invisible but palpable. He adjusted his antenna to the same frequency as theirs. As trust grew, a shared understanding of the mission developed: the world must never forget the way things were.
To wake up realizing that he is in my bed with me is probably the most simple amazing buzz I have had.
Ok. I already told him about ten times how much I missed him today, so the eleventh time, I will keep it to myself.
There was this one time when he came from Worcester to catch me between my shifts (I have a half an hour break on weekends), just to say hi.
He told me to wait outside of Pinocchio’s and he would come see me. I was wearing a pair of American Apparel shorts with a white tank top and my hair super messy, and he just shot out of the car and picked me up and loved me so much it was so wonderful.
And those moments of us drowning in each other’s eyes and we can’t stop ourselves from wanting to become one person and just be kissing forever. Those are the moments that drive us crazy.
They drive me crazy.